The Truth Does Hurt...

It's been about a week and I've really wanted to blog several times in the last week.  Somehow, whenever I sat down to my computer, I just couldn't get my thoughts organized.  And Yeah, I know... like my thoughts come across as organized... what I mean is... I just couldn't get anything to make sense.

I guess I've had a lot on my mind the last few days.  Nothing major, just a lot swirling around in there.  I'm working through a lot of mental junk, that I think contributed to  this summer getting so unpleasant.  It wasn't like I was just sick.  I was down... REALLY REALLY down about everything.  When I say I felt terrible, I mean mentally and physically.  It was really like my mind and body were working against themselves and each other.  I mean, if you feel bad, but can still stomach a pint of Ben & Jerry's then life seems more tolerable (as long as you don't get on the scale too often).  Or if you're in a good mood, just have a cold dragging you down... again, sudafed makes it all better.  But when you can't eat and feel terrible at the same time... well, it's unpleasant.

As you might have surmised from my hints or because you know me... I do see a therapist... because drugs for my mood is not something I want as a solution, especially not a permanent solution.  So part of me wants to get to the root of all my junk and I think I'm getting close.  I don't really want to explain the whole where and why and how I came to this conclusion... but I'm pretty sure most people don't know me.

And I could be wrong, which would be okay... and I don't want you to feel insulted if i say, well, I don't think most people know me.  I mean, really know me.  It's honestly all my doing that you don't.  I'm truly a master at hiding myself from the world.  I can discredit all the hurtful behavior I encounter, because I'm actually EXTREMELY sensitive, I block everyone from knowing me with my facade of happy, carefree, wacky Alex.  To be truthful... I'm pretty dang sure that you would not like the real me.  I'm convinced that I am not loveable and not worthy of love.  (Though I just had a friend tell me today that notion was pretty much horsepucky). 

If you were around this Fall, you probably got pretty close to seeing me completely as I am... because I had nothing left to continue faking with.  And then someone hurt my feelings.  It's a woman I only know casually that butted into a conversation with a friend... and I decided... screw this... no matter how sick I get, now matter how miserable I am... I am NOT opening myself up for criticism from someone who's name I don't even recall. Up went the walls... back came "happy Alex." 

I'm not sure where I stand right now...because part of me wants to be honest and blather out everything that's going on in my head... and the stronger part is saying, "End the post now... they can't hurt you if they don't know what hurts you."  I think the "shut up" voice in my head is winning and some of the truth just needs to remain private and not posted for all the world  to see.  Mostly because I feel it should hurt someone else more than it does me, but unfortunately, the truth hurts me the most and having other people know just makes it worse.