Well, I think I had a bit of a meltdown mid-week last week. After a bit of an intense therapy session, where I was horribly worried about whether or not I'm a good friend was followed by some serious drama in my house. I honestly wanted to crawl under a rock and quit.
So... I'm very worried about several of my friends, but as I feel completely helpless and unable to improve their situations, I'm entirely frustrated by it all. I honestly wish I had a magic wand for their lives to make things better, easier, and as fantastic as they would like it. I can't. I'm also doubtful that prayer would help. I mean I am praying that they will find peace and persevere through their situations, but I don't think God can do much about illness or financial stress. Mostly because I've been through some pretty intense stuff in that regard lately. My prayer (and the homilies at church) revealed to me that-- God, through the sacrifice of Jesus, promised absolution from my sins... not a winning lottery ticket. We got ourselves into a mess here on Earth and we have to get ourselves out of it. It's not easy... but we're doing it. As to my summer's illness... I still don't know what the "message" was-- other than I need to take better care of myself and not take on the world's problems as my own (thereby stressing myself out)-- but I persevered. I did not give up all hope. If anything, it gave me a renewed vision of where I would like my life to go... well, where God is working on me anyway.
All this has led me to the conclusion that I MUST be a bad friend... because I can't fix their problems. I think that some people would say, just listening and acknowledging their pain, trials, troubles, etc is enough. Well... I'm not a very good listener. I interrupt and try to make it better in all sorts of inept ways. I hate being inept. So, instead, I'm bottling up all their pain with my own (note... if the past year should have taught me anything, it's that I cannot take in other people's pain and just process it out. It doesn't work and it doesn't help them). And yes, the tummy troubles did come back... along with a little bit of freaking out.
As to last week's family drama... Sean got angry with the way I was disciplining him (note: he mouthed off for the millionth time and I said, go to your room, take your home work... ). He doesn't like to be sent to his room... in fact, it drives him nuts to be sent away from us (it's okay, though if he decides to go off and play on his own, but generally he'd rather be near the rest of us). However, Sammie has begun mimicking his bad behavior, so I needed to crack down for the sake of my sanity-- and it was really time he had a consequence he really, really dislikes. Sean's response to being sent to his room was to say quite clearly and used in context, "Bitch!" I'm pretty sure his and my guardian angels stepped in because I simply said, "Upstairs. Now. Until your father comes home!" Yes, I actually threatened him with "Daddy's gonna get you" type language. To be clear... it was stay upstairs until someone big enough to keep me from slapping you across the face is in the room. I know that I would not really slap him... honest! I just really, really wanted to!
I called Steve to fill him in and somehow...Steve managed to insinuate that it was my fault Sean said it... I had somehow provoked Sean or used that word. I don't ususally use that word. I'm pretty sure my guardian Angel received overtime, because instead of yelling at Steve and starting one of those world-war-3 type arguments, I texted him a sort of "how dare you" message. It was not as cathartic as I had hoped because he did not acknowledge it or apologize. I opted to let it go, though. The larger issue was Sean's behavior. And if you know Sean, yes this behavior is out of character.
I guess that led to my previous... nobody knows me post. Yeah, people do know me... I just was feeling really down on myself by the time I blogged on Wednesday.
I feel better that I let it all out, but I probably pissed someone off in the process. I'd say that's life, but I don't like it when people are mad at me. I tend to compromise myself when that happens... I always take the fault. Well, I was expressing my honest opinion at the time... and it probably upset people. I'm not going to apologize for my opinions and if you got mad... you need to go re-read this post from the beginning. I had a really bad day... it was a cry for help!
Suffice it to say that I'm feeling better about not being able to fix everyone's problems and we resolved Sean's misbehavior without yelling (at him... he did yell some more at me), which to me is a huge step. He was also not spanked, beaten or otherwise physically harmed. Yes, he was quite upset at his early bedtime, lectures and general disruption to his world view... but these were necessary adjustments. And if an early bedtime seems a little light handed with him... he did not really understand the word, but he knew it was not good or nice. Being banished from usual night time activities is rough on him... the punishment has to fit the crime and be an appropriate consequence. Sean got the message loud and clear, "if you behave this way, you are not welcome in the room."
Oh yes... as to the "twins" reference...Steve gave me the ultimate mood booster this weekend. We went to Cascades Humane Society on Saturday and got 2 male kittens. They are 12 weeks now, are litter-mates and have already been neutered. One is (currently) all black and is named Oreo. He's a little scrawny right now... but he's a fiesty guy. The other is (currently) all grey and is named Cupcake. He's a bit chunkier than Oreo is... but he seems to be the calm one. They amuse me and they both seem to think I'm the Mama. Lucky for me... they may get big and smelly and pee in a corner (hmm... Sean and Sammie have both done that)... but they will never call me bad names! Right now, I need a little more unconditional love in my life. Thanks Steve!
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