You gotta have friends...

Next to my family, my friends are very important to me.  Often, I don't really even distinguish between my family and really great friends.  My really great girlfriends, whom I call my BFFs, are really like sisters.

When I meet new people and it seems that a friendship is forming, I always hope that it will evolve into a sisterhood, like several others.  I've tried many different ways of fostering this kind of sisterhood relationship, and it often feels like I'm trying to buy the new friend's favor.  When I look at things, these sisterhood friendships have evolved on their own.  Without my attempts to get people to like me.  I can't seem to learn that friendships must grow on their own and not be forced to become something that they are not.  In some cases friendships fail... whether through not enough love, cooperation, commitment or general compatibility.

These last few weeks, one particular friendship has been weighing heavily on my heart.  I can't seem to connect with this person and I can't seem to accept some of the choices this person is making, which at times are negatively impacting me.  (For the record, I'm not talking about Wendell!!).  And I've been feeling badly as I feel the distance growing and I've  been feeling responsible for the distance growing between us.  I'm always the one responsible, right?! (rolling my eyes with that little hang up).

Today in church, Father Reyna was talking about how we cannot control what happens to us, only how we respond and how we can respond.  (Yes, Meggles, you've told me this a million times, but I wasn't getting it until today)  And it dawned on me that this relationship I've been worrying about is toxic.  I behave badly in response to this person's behavior and choices.  I'm acting with immaturity (a bit of an eye for an eye justice) and I need to approach this with prayer and turning the other cheek. 

So, we'll see how this goes.  I don't think it's right for me to pray for this person's choices-- because that implies a judgment on my part and I need to be less judgmental.  Instead, I will pray for guidance in this relationship and other new friendships that are forming in my life right now.  I will God show me where I need to be instead of trying to be somewhere that is not right. 

Sadly, I don't really want to reconcile, make up, or own up to anything in this failing friendship.  I feel spent by this situation... I've been at this point before with other people and fought hard to make it work, but it was a one-sided fight.  I don't want to go through that again or subject someone else to that kind of pain.  I guess if confronted, I'll be gently honest about how I feel, but as of right now, I'm taking the high road and letting God tell me what to do and how to handle things.  I am opting to no longer stoop to the level that involves retribution and judgment. 

And as we're coming up on Lent, I'm going to start early on my Lenten challenge for this year. (Yes, I know it's supposed to be a sacrifice, but I call it a challenge, becaue sometimes I sacrifice by giving up something and others by taking on something to improve my character-- which in many ways is a sacrifice because I need to give up the easy way of doing things).  My challenge  for this year is to stop gossiping.  I need to not involve myself in that malicious, toxic behavior and act towards others with goodness and concern. 

It will be with the aid of my friends that I hold myself accountable to God in this one.  Because... you gotta have friends.