When Giving In Doesn't Mean You've Given Up...

One thought that has been circulating through my mind the last 24 hours as I recover from a bout of stomach upsets that lasted 4 days... When is giving in not a sign of having given up? As my life has gotten crazier and crazier the past few months, I thought, as each new item piled on, "something's gotta give."  What if what had to "give" was me?
I mean, being a mom/wife/sister/daughter I spend a lot of time GIVING of myself... but I'm not talking about that kind of give.  I'm thinking more along the lines of a reed in the wind.  If the reed doesn't bend, it will snap. To be honest, I have not bent enough with the wind that's been blowing and fear I may have already snapped in some many ways.  I have "snapped" at my husband and children, my mother and father and likely my friends too.  I have backed off of some of my responsibilities, but I did not give anything up.  For each "responsibility/commitment" I backed off of, I tripled the amount of guilt I felt.  Instead of feeling less stressed by not needing to do something or be somewhere, I felt emotionally and physically worse because I had let someone (not that I could name who) down. 
As a Catholic, I enjoy the privilege of absolution through confession-- but not once, despite an amazing confessional experience in February, did I release my guilt and blame and sense of failure.  As I ponder what "giving in" means, shouldn't I cut myself some slack here?  So far, not much of a chance until this past Wednesday.
After sending my kids off to my parents house because my stomach had again rebelled and taking a long nap, my phone rang and it was a friend I hadn't talked to since February or March. [For privacy's sake, let's call my friend Angel.]  Angel was calling because she hadn't heard from me in a while and she knew from the moment I said, "Hello" that her call was much needed.  I was feeling down and out from lack of food, sleep and general  well-being.  As I verbally "barfed" the past 3 months of my life out at her, she just listened... periodically interjecting comments like "Well of course you're worried about Sean's surgery, it's scary"-- maybe some would say she was stating the obvious... but to me she was saying "I hear you AND your feelings are valid"  and when I had exhausted all of the information of the past three months, she took a deep breath and gave me a good lecture. 
Now, when I say "lecture" please don't misunderstand that she was giving me a tongue lashing, what it was more like was a personal sermon.  She talked to me about love and humility... like so many conversations with her in the past, not only did things make sense but I was listening and making connections.  Angel didn't just talk about how much my family and friends loved me, but  brought God into the picture and talked about God's love and needing to accept that as well.  Probably why I am calling her Angel, because even though the words were her's and the syntax and lilt was her's, I am most positive that the inspiration was divine.  She knew to call me on that day and knew what I needed to hear.  It was not a sunshine in the wrong places" kind of needing to hear, but rather an"illuminating the dark places" kind of needing to hear.  Trying to quantify in words what happened between Angel and I on Wednesday afternoon is difficult and I'm sure I'm muddling it all up.  So I'll move on or rather back to Giving In.

I've found myself giving up all kinds of things in the past few months:

• those vital Mommy-Friend meet ups in coffee shops and diners, 
• posting updates on Facebook because I couldn't quantify how I was feeling and  thought that if I wasn't projecting awesomeness and perfection no one would want to know
• family time because I was too tired to give them any more of my physical time

But never once did I give in and go with the flow, each thing that was added to my schedule, list of tasks/priorities,  or obstacle (Sean's allergies and pending surgery) has filled me with fear.  I have taken on more and more and done less and less.  That's NOT how it's supposed to work.  Less work = Less Stress, right?
I reached the point in the past few weeks, when lying awake at night that I did something I thought I would never find myself doing... praying desparately to Mary.  I've said more Hail Mary's(and Our Father's) in the past few weeks than I have in my entire life.  And I firmly believe to the core of my being that Mary answered my prayers last Friday-- because it took me getting so physically ILL that I couldn't care for anyone else.  If I was a factory assembly line, we're talking complete shut down for repairs.  I was forced to Give In and relinquish command.  What happened next proved that giving in did not mean giving up.
My first instinct was to cancel the dinner plans and anything non-vital scheduled for the weekend, but my husband got out of bed, a lot earlier than he prefers, and took over. 
Of course, it took several people to replace me: 

• On Saturday My mom got my kids ready for their dance recital and took them to the recital location at the appropriate time; both my mom and MIL helped make salads and clean up after dinner.  
• On Sunday, my husband did laundry (washed, dried and folded) to prepare for the upcoming week. 
• On Monday morning, he dropped us off at my parents for the day. While my mom watched the kids, my dad took me to the  Dr. 
• On Tuesday, my parents took the kids again and left me to my own devices. 
• When  I felt worse again on Wednesday, my parents & husband rallied once more. 

Are you getting the picture yet?  I get sick and it takes 3 people working together to do my "job." And that's just the Mom job--- the paid job, that went to the wayside and I realized there was no way for me to feel guilty about it, I couldn't sit up at the computer and work.  My boss would just have to adjust (turns out, almost everyone I work with is at a conference this week, so my lack of feeding the process was not going to have a big impact!!!). 
It's clear to me now that I have to give in more... I have to bend and adjust and not be angry that life isn't fitting the "prime time/major network TV-perfect" image in  my head.  Life is not perfect or safe, but I have a great life and apparently an amazing support network.  Instead of feeling like I'm giving up (as in quitting), I need to give in to life and start living. 
Okay, this is all big talk for a small gal (well, I'm not small, but I have lost weight being sick!)... but I'm hoping you will all keep me honest and accepting of God's and my friend's/family's love with humility.  Help me give in to life and accept it for what it is... imperfectly wonderful. And remind me that self-deprication is not humility,  it's a nasty bad habit and I need to stop!

I will survive...

Well... after I reached the point in the day, yesterday, where I knew Natalia and Brian had left Michigan and were headed towards Africa... I felt a kind of relief.  Not that they were gone (NO WAY), but more that the good-bye-ing was over for now.  I'm again happy and excited for them and I'm trying to use that joyfulness to my own advantage.


I actually cleaned out my linen closet and bedroom yesterday.  Yes, there's much more that needs cleaning (as in basic maintenace) and way more that needs CLEANING (as in declutter/dejunking)... but it's a start.  I know have a little corner of peacefulness carved out. 

Also, Steve and I had a brief talk today and I've decided to relocate my "office."  When Steve was re-hired by ProQuest after the layoff at Kellogg and I was on maternity leave, he bought a fabulous desk set on clearance (it was the floor model) at a furniture store that was closing.  It's hardly ever used, it's covered in dust and piles of unfiled papers... so I've asked him to clean it up (this weekend!) and relocate my computer, printers, and file cabinet of work stuff-- so I won't be in the dark corner of the guest room any more.  I really should have an office space and some peaceful space in my home.  If I posted a photo of my current office space, it's just this hodge podge room... and if I posted Steve's office it would probably horrify you that a room can look like that!  I probably should post before and after shots... so you guys can all say-- wow, what a better work space.  Think of it as going from a cubicle to the corner office-- the rooms both have windows, but presently, my back is to the window and in the new space it will be off to the side.  Plus with the size of the desk in Steve's office (it will be a shared space), I'll actually have a desk top to lay my notes out on... instead of having things piled on the printer next to me because the desk top is soo small.  I'm looking foward to this... can you tell?

I also really felt the love yesterday... it was nice that all my Facebook buddies touched based and even a few people called.  I even appreciated the couple of people who nicely made no eye contact with me the first half of the week, because they knew I was trying to hide my tears.  I have to say, I did NOT appreciate the person who said, 'Why the hell would your sister move to Africa of all places..." because a) she doesn't know Natalia and  b) if you have to ask, you wouldn't understand the answer.  And it was (IMHO) rather insensitive to say so, just hours after my sister left.  In case anyone's wondering... the whole, if you can't say something nice, say something ineffective is a much better tact (as in "wow, that's really far..."  it's non-committal and kinda stupid to say... but it least it doesn't hurt my feelings and gives the impression that you might possibly understand that it sucks to have people so far away). 

Well, it's Friday Night, movie night... and I have a book to finish reading (I borrowed it from Sean's teacher and I really should return it before summer vacation starts!).

Oh, btw Sean's first school play was today and it was a-dor-a-ble! I took pics and will eventually get around to downloading off my camera-- hopefully after my office is relocated (this weekend-- yeah, like anything happens that fast around here!).

You were always on my mind...

So lately, I've been waking up at what I thought was 4 am... turns out it's more like 3 am... hmm could this be why I'm so tired?  Of course, like most moms, I go to bed with a list of things on my mind, wake up with another list in the morning.  The new twist is the waking up in the middle of the night with a new, sometimes relevant, issue on my mind.  Last night, it was... does Jackson Coffee have some kind of blended Lemonade drink, because Natalia wants to go there?  Seriously, this actually keeps me awake at night.

So tonight, I'm trying a new tactic... Blog it out.  Here's what's on my mind people.
June 3: Natalia  and Brian leave for Tanzania. Pray for their safe trip, safe arrival, safe EVERYTHING in TZ.  And a miraculous answer to being able to call when the mood strikes.
June 4:  Sean's class play... will he remember his lines... will he speak clearly? 
June 5:  Neighborhood garage sale-- should I pull my shit together and sell some stuff for extra money or screw it and read all day?
June 5: Kyle's birthday party-- can I drop my kids off at the neighbors house, because I don't think I feel like chatting with everyone.  I mean, I love Jenny and I totally want to hang out, but as much as I've sobbed this week, can I stand it.  And if one more person says, "You look good, have you lost weight?"  I may cry more.
June6:  Boy Scouts event-- okay, do I really have to remind Steve and Sean to go?
June 7:  Sean's field trip-- Steve's got it on his calendar to meet them, so I don't have to remember this too, do I?  (nice that the teacher is letting him chaperon once they get to Ann Arbor, so he can go and Sean can get his wish to have a parent go on a field trip fulfilled).
June 7:  No baseball-- Dance recital dress rehearsal.  Probably a late night-- try not to stress about the costumes and the make up... but I'm seriously worried that I can get Sammie's soft hair to do what it's supposed to do (Princess Leia style buns... wth?).
June 9: Baseball at night-- Okay, I'm responsible for dance, can I JUST let Steve take them and get a night off... not to do laundry or dust, just to take a nap for a few hours between school and bedtime?
June 10:  Field Day-- uhm, can i attend this without blowing off work too much and will my kids get eaten alive by mosquitoes?  Seriously, I'm so bailing on baking cookies... it's just not in me.  And hot dogs... ech, not today!
June 11:  Last day of school-- definitely have to attend the awards ceremony-- not that my kids are getting any or anything but it's just something I have to do... there goes work.
June 12:  Again no baseball... Dance recital at 2 pm.  MIL & SIL spending the night-- oh shit do I have time to work and clean the house somewhere in here?
June 14/16 & 19: No school, no VBS, no boy scout camp (sorry, kids, Mommy's DUN!), but we've committed to baseball and that's ALL we're doing.  Oh and we're responsible for juice and snack on the 19th!
June 24:  Sean's surgery... adenoids & tonsils, possible tubes.  I'm worried about the needles (he hates needles), I'm worried about the surgery, the anesthesia, the post-op recovery... oh and my favorite NURSE will be in TZ, but I'm hoping she'll consult via e-mail or something.  Steve's off and MIL is watching Sammie for the day.  My parents will be in VA and bringing the cousins up for  a visit.
Theoretically, here's where I breathe a sigh of relief, but as mentioned, the cousins are coming for a visit and my Mom likes to pack in a lot of FUN and bonding, instead of just chillaxing.  So we'll see how that works out with Sean recovering, Sammie going insane from boredom, Steve home and me possibly taking a nap in here somewhere.... all while working from home and maintaining (exceeding?) my minimum work hours and having work coming (which it ebbs and flows without my ability to control it).
For my sanity's sake, I'm not even going into the big sis & hubbie  coming for the fourth, Steve's fishing trip (over my birthday weekend), the camping trip/family reunion, Sean's birthday, our anniversary... all coming up in July. Well, that's the highlights of July I guess.

I know, I know... all moms are busy... I just feel like a hamster on a wheel right now... only theoretically, the hamster is running and managing the speed of the wheel themselves.  Isn't it all supposed to slow DOWN in the summer?  Where are those lazy days?  Oh and at what point did I sneak in a call to my gal pals just to chat about their lives without sounding like a stressed out lunatic?

Oh, and note to self, if Sammie dances in the fall-- I'm so not having classes on Monday EVER again... it's just too much at the beginning of the week. [Dear Mrs. Ladwig, please do me the kind honor of scheduling an Intro Ballet class at 4 pm on Thursdays and reserve a spot for Sammie... better yet, make it 4:30! PS, I wish i could keep my little boy dancing, but he's done for now... maybe we can convince him to come back in a few years for football or baseball conditioning... any chance you'll consider Sports Conditioning for Athletes?  He might do it if wasn't called "ballet." I know, I know... silly question! PPS... have I told  you lately, even though I'm in pre-recital panic, that I love Academy of the Arts! Love, (not) the only Nut ]

A brief vacation?

Can it really be a month since I last had something of great value (ha ha) to say?  Well, lately I've had a lot to say and it mostly involved a lot of tears.  Consequently, I've been keeping to myself a lot more.

Yep... tears... I haven't cried this much since... I don't know. Life has been pretty busy and the underlying theme to everything since Sean's First Communion has been... Natalia and Brian are really going to Tanzania.  I have to admit as they went down the  path to make the move to Tanzania happen, I was a very vocal supporter.  I mean, in reality, how many people can claim their sister & brother in law are out there making the world better? So I was all for it... until the reality of Natalia being so far away hit me like a ton of bricks. 

Maybe I'm pre-panicking because when she left for the Peace Corps almost 8 years ago, I'd just had Sean.  [I mean Natalia was there-- in the delivery room-- with me and was actually the first person to hold Sean.  I (terrible mom that I am) was more interested in having a hamburger and vanilla milkshake prior to bonding.  I'm pretty sure that's screwed up my relationship with Sean for life, but then again, everyone needs to have a reason to go to therapy, right?].  After she left, I really spiraled into a nasty bout of postpartum depression.  In fact, when I found out I was pregnant with Sammie I begged Natalia to come home early, so she could be there again.  The rational side of my brain (which is much smaller than the hyper-emotional side) can see that Natalia leaving had nothing to do with my postpartum depression... but the emotional side of me seems to have linked Natalia's proximity to me to my well-being.  I know, it's simply ridiculous.

However, as my rational side attempts to explain this to the emotional side, it's not going so well.   I know I am absolutely going to miss her like crazy.  My (bff) Brigette pointed out that Natalia is "our rock."  I know that's a lot of pressure to put on her but in many ways, Natalia is just the person I go to when I need to make sense of things or have some sense talked into me.  I aspire to be as loving and giving as she is and she truly inspires me to be a better self.  Can she do this from Africa?  Absolutely, but it will be a lot harder... and well, I'm just lazy, I guess.  I want it all to be easier.

In addition to being very sad about Natalia leaving, I haven't been feeling that great about a lot of other things.  I've been worried about things that are largely beyond my control...and being the control freak I am, that's very very disorienting.  It's lead to me not sleeping well and not feeling so great when I am awake... but I'm a mom and  I've got my family to take care of, so I just push ahead.  I feel like a slug and the house needs a good 3 day long top to bottom cleaning... and I just don't see it happening.  I should just let go and focus on what I can influence... but as (bff) Brigette says, "you've got way too much Tante Tiina in you" (Tante Tiina would be my mom-- but she calls her Tante-- which is Aunt in German).  Yes, I am cursed with my mom's need to be in charge and in control at all times... unlike my mom, though, I can't always seem to pull it together.  In fact, comparatively, I never pull it together quite like my mom... but I sure do a good job faking that it's all pulled together. 

On another note, with all the family excitement of Natalia leaving, it has definitely brought Celianna and I closer.  She's always been my sister, but she hasn't always been my friend and confidant... now she's more and more in that role and it feels right for her to be there.  It's a little odd, because in some ways, after all we've been through over the past 10 years in our own lives, it's like discovering a long-lost sister. 

So, as we enter this holiday weekend, which normally I enjoy having a day to thank my Dad for his service to our country... I'm a bit sad and trying to focus on the idea of "if she doesn't go away, I won't be so happy to have her return" concept.  Now it's time to go put on my big girl panties and stop focusing on the absence of my sister and more on the fact that she'll just be a little further away and I'll have to do math before I pick up the phone and call her!

Happy Memorial Day everyone... stay safe and remember those who gave up their lives so we could continue to live in the land of the Free!

Enough is enough... Git R Done

So I guess it's been a few days... but I've felt like blogging, I just had work to do.  I figured I'd take a few minutes out of my life to do some this morning.  It's an exciting week again here at the Ulicny residence.

• My family is coming into town (starting today) for Sean's First Communion (Natalia & Brian, Celianna/Witek & Anneke& Viktor, Sean's "God Family" Angie/Ralf & Ralfer& Julia)
• Sean will be celebrating his first communion on Saturday
• The 7th book of the House of Night series (Burned) is being released today and it shipped from Amazon yesterday!

I really do have a lot of stuff today, but I'm trying to stay focused and maintain my usual air of complete control.  Only, like some who has a head filled with soap bubbles, Steve and I moved a small loveseat from Sean's bedroom on Sunday.  If I didn't have bubbles in my head, I would have waited until tomorrow and conned Brian into doing it.  Now, I'm back to the leg and back pain thing again.

It started Sunday night with my Restless Leg-type symptoms, which is best described as the sensation of something crawling down your leg and you must shake it off. At first I thought, did I forget to take my medicine (no, I had), then perhaps I didn't drink enough water (yes people, drinking water helps your body function).  No, silly, you moved a couch, your L5 & 6 are bulging again and pinching your sciatic nerve. Oh boy... but I don't have TIME for this and it makes me grumpy to not have my life go the right way.

This lead to a BANNER Monday... Steve barely spoke to me after I got so FED UP with Sammie's late-ness that I left her behind and took Sean to school (So Steve took her-- I knew she was safe and would get to school-- Steve thought I was insane)... then I spent an hour menu/grocery planning at a coffee shop in town to waste some time before my Dr appt (you know that talk therapy I value so much), which was scheduled for 9 am.  At 9:15 am, I confirmed with the receptionist that I indeed had the time right then promptly canceled my appointment, refused to pay for the "missed session" and informed her I was not inclined to reschedule.  This was not the first time he was late and if you've read my FB posts, you probably know, I try to live by the "If you're NOT 10 minutes early, you're late" mantra.  And I find lateness EXTREMELY rude.  Just as I turned to leave 2 minutes later, the Dr arrived at the office.  I turned to face him and, likely with steam coming from my ears, told him I had canceled my appointment, because I was tired of having to wait 15-20 minutes each week (his response "Okay") and that I was not rescheduling. His response, "Okay" and he turned and walked away.  Thankfully, he'd moved away from the stairs... because Lent is over and thinking and acting in ANGER is no longer a holy commitment on my part.  Luckily though 40 days of practicing this mantra has left me with a lingering commitment to sustaining it.

Okay! O- Fing- KAY?!  No "I'm sorry you feel that way"  You're a psychologist in a small town with crap for an economy and I'd think you'd be a little more AFFECTED by a patient leaving.  Oh and as he limped off because of his back injury I felt no empathy!  I wanted to trip him and watch him try to get up... because he'd just cost me 1.5 hours of my life and with the way my back injury goes that was 1.5 hours of focused work before my back takes me out for the count.  And I really did not appreciate the feeling of the "pissed off fat lady" (you know, the one at McD's arguing about an order of missed fries and insulting everyone in their path).

But it turned out to be a blessing... why? how?  Well, I stood up for myself: Doormat NO MORE! should be my mantra.  And the first person I called: my older sister.  Yep this has to be a rare and wonderful thing.  There's been way too much space (emotionally) between us for many years and well... it felt good to reach out to someone.  And she listened to me scream in rage into the phone over the insult and rudeness of lateness and the "okay" !  Call #2 was to my parents, initially just to ask my mom to make potato salad for Sean's Communion barbecue (burgers, no ribs), but my dad answered and asked me how my day was going.  I'm sure he didn't want the (censored) earful he got.  However, he listened! I was really anticipating the "well you overreacted again, Alexandra" speech but I got the "atta-girl" instead.  Amen (Blessing #2).  Then at my Monday "Kaffee Klatsch" (this is a German term for coffee gathering-- which is the best way to describe Monday at Lara's), my friends told me, "You're not boring... he's an ass" and good for you for walking out. Amen (Blessing #3).  Yes, I was thrice blessed by my friends and family!

Am I looking for a new therapist... maybe?  A few good Kaffee Klatsch/Lunch/Girls Nights will probably be just as effective and cheaper.  And now I have time for a good work out. (And yes, I took English and know "and" is not how we start a sentence... my grammar is painful, but  if you don't like it... LEAVE!).

I took me a long time to calm down from this yesterday... and then we had Dance-Baseball night #1.  I made it through with flying colors... relocated my upbeat spirit  and am plowing through.  The coach even moved practice to 6:30 pm, instead of 6 pm.  Games will still be at 6, but we've got a little more wiggle room right now!

And yes, Steve and I had quite the spat last night (well really early this morning)... but we're on the same page.  Was there hugging & kissing... no... Steve holds on to things longer than I do and he's really mad at me for leaving Sammie.  Will he come around... maybe?

I'm also still sticking with Hannah's 5-Minute Mom program (Day 10 today).  We're delving into finances... that's my weakness.  It's a total "head in the sand" issue for me.  But I need to take the bull by the horns and make some important changes and decisions in my life.  If you've got  a minute or two, I'd appreciate a little boost of strength and resolve right now... so if you could say a prayer for me, I'd appreciate it.  Feel free to FB me or leave a comment if you want me to pray for you too and what you need right now.  Just because I'm knee deep in my own "shit" does not mean I can try to pull you out of the muck too!  If nothing else, we can laugh together and roll around in it like pigs in the summertime.

So it's only Tuesday and NatiBo arrive later on  today.  I get to HUG some of the most awesome people I know this week... and that my friends makes life worthwhile.  You get what you expect... and I expected my Dr to be late.  Today, I expected Sammie to be on time and by golly,with the help of chore cards, parental guidance (not nagging), and a timer... she made it with time to spare. Now I've got a bedroom to clean up and prepare for my older sister (who I get to hug on Friday)... meals are planned, groceries are bought... everyone's going  to pitch in and WOO HOO... this week's gonna be a good, good week.

Oh and one last thing... Dear L5 & L6... I'm sorry I'm overweight, had 2 babies and didn't take care of you.  I know you're unhappy and hurting.  I promise to lose weight and take better care of you and all your vertebrae friends.  Today, however, I need a little help getting stuff done.  I love you... and I need you to cooperate.

The Sun is Shining... and I want a Nap

I been reflecting a lot this week on what it is I want out of life.  I often feel like, I charged at life as a teenager and hit my "goals" by 23 and since then... I've just been hanging out and winging it.  Not really the best way to live if you want to feel ALIVE and like you're out there doing something. Only I can't seem to figure out what it is that I feel like doing so I can get passionate and behind it.  SO I thought, just for kicks and giggles, I'd just make a list of things I do and can do okay-- but don't necessarily feel a lot of passion about and see if anything jumps out.

• sewing-- It's fun to make something and accomplish a project... I'm just a little weary of the lack of instant gratification and my inability to sometimes understand the directions (I'm constantly doing dumb things like sewing the wrong parts together or cutting the front of a dress right down the middle).  The question is, do I drop this hobby and be content knowing that if need be I can hem a pair of pants or make a skirt? 
• beading-- I really enjoyed making the custom jewelry for my little sister's wedding last year and I LOVE how when I wear any of it, I feel automatically connected to her and to the happiness that was abundant at her wedding(s).  I have so many beads I now feel overwhelmed by them.  And soo many patterns and ideas about things, that I can't seem to motivate myself to make something. It seems they no longer bring me joy.  
• writing... I'm no pulitzer prize winner, but I always wanted to write a book and I keep wondering, what will happen if I do write a book.  So maybe I should well, write a book... I know my mom would buy a copy (and then probably mock me because that's how we show affection).
• full-time momming-- I love my kids, I like being around them, but working from home and being a mom is really rough, I don't feel like I have the ability to focus on what is important.  Right now, I've got breakfast dishes in the sink because I haven't had time to clean up-- I need to work while the kids are gone... When they're home and I"m not working, I feel like they are in the way of me getting all the stuff done that should have gotten done hours ago, but I was working.  
• Full-time working, part time momming-- well I have no idea how this would work out, but thousands of people do it, so I should be ABLE to do it.  What if I'm actually happier not at home with the kids... does that make me a horrible person?

So uhm, I don't feel like I've answered any questions that I have about my life.  I could blame Hannah (see the April 9 posting)... because I followed her Day 3 instructions and bought a watch that chimes every hour.  Now I'm spending my day, smiling at the start of an hour to remind myself to be happy and joyful... yet today, every time it's chimed all I keep thinking is "Smile, Asshole, you're not getting anywhere"  Is today just one of those hiccup kind of days where nothings going wrong, you just feel inconvenienced?  Big Sigh!

I guess, I'm not really feeling upbeat.  Maybe it's the lack of sleep-- now that Sean's staying in his room (but coming down nearly naked each morning, which tells me he's waking up at night and pulling his PJs off), Sammie has decided to come down each night.  Only Sammie doesn't just crawl into bed with you... that would be too simple.  She's "Fancy Sammie" or perhaps in her last life she was a burro.  She comes down with stuffed animals, blankets, pillows and brings them all into the bed with her.  Steve has taken to shoving her and her stuff at me.  Yes, that's really nice (actually it's disturbing because I can tell he's really mad when he does it).  And her teeny little elbows are soo POINTY.  And I just want to sleep!!!

Who IS Hannah Keeley?

In brief, to me, Hannah Keeley is another mom-- a busy mom-- who has been where I am and acknowledges it.  She's figured out a way to get the chaos under control, pay the bills, get a job, home school her children (not a particular goal of mine, really), and not lose herself or her mind.  To me she's a great resource and touch stone, not just of this is how she DID it but this is how she gets it done...


She's authored a few books and I own them... and they really have led me away from negativity.  Now, please keep in mind that 2009 was one ginormous speed bump in my life... well more like "Bridge out Ahead" and no other ones in sight.  Without going into too much detail, and without seeming like I'm not responsible for my actions, in an attempt to solve one problem in my life, I made a minor change... I went from Lexapro to Pristiq to deal with my depression issues.  It eventually caused a physical reaction that led my nurse practitioner to take me off of it... and when the withdrawal symptoms subsided, I looked around my house and thought, "Dear Lord, have we really been living in this disorganized mess... " Only there was a lot more blame and swearing involved and it wasn't like I noticed suddenly but gradually got this sense of the walls closing in on me.  I was mad, I was frustrated, and it was not pretty to watch at all (yet for some reason Steve is STILL here... the man definitely is working on his corporeal works of mercy... I won't go so far as to say "Sainthood" because that's a bit comical).


So, now we've gotten the house cleaned up, the basement de-junked, but the clutter is out of control and the routines I'd gotten into are permanently hosed... so I'm starting over from scratch again. 

As an alternative to replacing the Pristiq my nurse suggested a psychologist (and you don't even want to know what I think about "talk therapy")... well, turns out... I'm NOT manic depressive, nor schizophrenic, nor even depressed.  Yeah, I'm down a lot, and some days I feel out... but the truth is I'm OVERWHELMED... maybe I was before and have been all along, but according to the Doc... it's lead to anger management issues.  LMAO... anyone every been on the receiving end of one of my outbursts would definitely agree... And the key to resolving that issue is to get a higher frustration tolerance and get my life under control.  Instead of trying to juggle all the balls, let a few drop by the wayside.

So... though I love my kids, 90% of my volunteering at St Mary's is now on hold.  Not that I did a lot but for literal sanity's sake, I had to back off.  I'm slowly rolling back out onto the social scene after a few months of purposefully isolating myself... I didn't feel like I could handle a girl's night out (or a trip to visit family in Chicago).  Because I didn't want to bring my worst self to the event.  Now, you get my "I'm okay... but a little nervous" self... and I'm hoping those who meet up with me can accept that.

Yet, I digress, because, well who is Hannah Keeley and what does she have to do with this... generally speaking, I can blow $20 in a heartbeat, and if you multiply that, simply multiply the heartbeats.  So last week, I invested in Hannah's 5 Minute Mom program... and I'm only on day 4 (took the weekend off because of Sammie's party)... but she's not blowing sunshine into the wrong places, but really shedding a light and guiding me to look at the places I need to look .  And can I just say, I love that she's bringing the bible into it.  One of my hugest commitments right now is to stop shrugging my shoulders and walking away from God but to say, "Okay, I'll do it."

In a time management class I took, the only thing I walked away with was the instructor saying, "You can mow the lawn, or you can have fun mowing the lawn."  In some sense, this is Hannah's attitude, but instead of leaving it at that I feel like she's showing me the yard, explaining what needs to be done, helping me put gas in the mower... but ultimately, she's going to let me mow the lawn my way.  So if you're interested, give it a try... I'd love to hear what you think and how it works for you. [And Hannah did say "You get what you expect, not what you want." and that totally defined Sammie's party... I expected awesome and I got it.]