Still Surviving

Today is a sad day for us here at the Ulicny household... though I titled today's post, "Still Surviving,"  I have to be honest and admit one of us didn't survive the summer:  Steve took our 14 year old cat, Tiger, to the vet to be put to sleep this morning.  I've been distracting the kids with TV and video games and taking phone calls outside, so they won't see me cry.  On a brighter note, when the mice and chipmunks use our garage and crawl spaces this year, I can put out poison; I can now have house plants and flowers with complete disregard to their toxicity to cats; and I can probably breath easier as the cat hair/dander gets eliminated from our house.

But the rest of us, we're surviving... Sean's fully recovered from his surgery, Sammie's recovered from having 2 teeth pulled, I've got good days and bad days, and Steve hasn't run from us screaming.  [If I were keeping points on our marriage, Steve has definitely worked off those nights of going to the bar with his buddies and leaving me home alone early in our marriage.  He's definitely gone above and beyond.]  To be honest, who WANTS to merely say, "I'm surviving"? Not me!  I want to be thriving and I've spent a whole bunch of the summer trying to get to that point... but when you're feeling a little down, every little thing feels like a kick in the butt, instead of an inconvenience.

I've been down about my little sister moving to Tanzania... I promised to e-mail her daily, but who wants to see "I miss you..." in their inbox every day?  In fact, most days, I keep skype turned off, so she doesn't have to put up with my grumpiness.  Not having the option of talking to her whenever I feel like (regardless of the fact that I probably wouldn't call her everyday anyway), is just so frustrating.  And never mind that I could call my other sister, she's awesome (and I do talk to her more frequently than before) but it's not the same.  My sisters and I are all very different... I know that Celianna is not using me as a substitute for Natalia, either.  On a brighter note, Natalia being gone has made me realize how close we are, despite the distance. 

In addition to that, my job gets more complicated and frustrating each day... next week, I'm attending some meetings that hopefully will make the process we use go smoother... but I've resolved myself to expect things to get easier for others and more complex for me.  Essentially, that's what happened the last time.  (oh and in fairness, there are others that share my pain at the complexity, so it's not just "poor me," there's a "poor us" involved).  In fact, I don't even expect that when a new component is built into the system to handle the stuff I do, that it will get better for me.  It also doesn't help, that essentially, I'm going in to the office on my kids last week of summer vacation and my parents get to have a fun time with them instead. On a brighter note, at least I'm being asked to participate in the process improvement... must mean they value my input.

In just 10 days, Sean and Sammie will be back to school-- while I'm looking forward to having my work hours all to myself and uninterrupted, I'd definitely be lying if I said I was looking forward to watching them file in to school with their classmates.  In fact, if I had any confidence in my patience and teaching skills, I'd be seriously considering home schooling this year.  [And for those who do home school, do not take this the wrong way... I'm just not a home schooler -- well at least not until completely backed into a corner by our educational system, which for us so far has been working out.].  To be quite honest, this summer has had so much, "In a minute..." and "Maybe later" responses from me to my kids, that I feel a bit of a failure.  On a brighter note, Sean says he doesn't want to go back to school because he'd rather play video games all day.  I will take that as a vote of confidence.

I've always kind of dreaded Fall and the change it brings.  Growing up, it didn't just mean back to school, it usually also mean a whole new set of friends, since many had moved away (or I'd moved) over the summer.  And as a kid it was never easy, but I had to just let friendships go.  This year, I'm looking forward to the changes... I'm hoping the crisp air will cool some hot headed-ness going on around me, that the colorful sunrises and sunsets will inspire me a little more than usual, and that shaking things up a bit will work out in my favor.  And if nothing else, the cooler weather will be an excuse to dig out the jeans and slacks that are stuffed in the back of my closet and now fit me again.