When Giving In Doesn't Mean You've Given Up...

One thought that has been circulating through my mind the last 24 hours as I recover from a bout of stomach upsets that lasted 4 days... When is giving in not a sign of having given up? As my life has gotten crazier and crazier the past few months, I thought, as each new item piled on, "something's gotta give."  What if what had to "give" was me?
I mean, being a mom/wife/sister/daughter I spend a lot of time GIVING of myself... but I'm not talking about that kind of give.  I'm thinking more along the lines of a reed in the wind.  If the reed doesn't bend, it will snap. To be honest, I have not bent enough with the wind that's been blowing and fear I may have already snapped in some many ways.  I have "snapped" at my husband and children, my mother and father and likely my friends too.  I have backed off of some of my responsibilities, but I did not give anything up.  For each "responsibility/commitment" I backed off of, I tripled the amount of guilt I felt.  Instead of feeling less stressed by not needing to do something or be somewhere, I felt emotionally and physically worse because I had let someone (not that I could name who) down. 
As a Catholic, I enjoy the privilege of absolution through confession-- but not once, despite an amazing confessional experience in February, did I release my guilt and blame and sense of failure.  As I ponder what "giving in" means, shouldn't I cut myself some slack here?  So far, not much of a chance until this past Wednesday.
After sending my kids off to my parents house because my stomach had again rebelled and taking a long nap, my phone rang and it was a friend I hadn't talked to since February or March. [For privacy's sake, let's call my friend Angel.]  Angel was calling because she hadn't heard from me in a while and she knew from the moment I said, "Hello" that her call was much needed.  I was feeling down and out from lack of food, sleep and general  well-being.  As I verbally "barfed" the past 3 months of my life out at her, she just listened... periodically interjecting comments like "Well of course you're worried about Sean's surgery, it's scary"-- maybe some would say she was stating the obvious... but to me she was saying "I hear you AND your feelings are valid"  and when I had exhausted all of the information of the past three months, she took a deep breath and gave me a good lecture. 
Now, when I say "lecture" please don't misunderstand that she was giving me a tongue lashing, what it was more like was a personal sermon.  She talked to me about love and humility... like so many conversations with her in the past, not only did things make sense but I was listening and making connections.  Angel didn't just talk about how much my family and friends loved me, but  brought God into the picture and talked about God's love and needing to accept that as well.  Probably why I am calling her Angel, because even though the words were her's and the syntax and lilt was her's, I am most positive that the inspiration was divine.  She knew to call me on that day and knew what I needed to hear.  It was not a sunshine in the wrong places" kind of needing to hear, but rather an"illuminating the dark places" kind of needing to hear.  Trying to quantify in words what happened between Angel and I on Wednesday afternoon is difficult and I'm sure I'm muddling it all up.  So I'll move on or rather back to Giving In.

I've found myself giving up all kinds of things in the past few months:

• those vital Mommy-Friend meet ups in coffee shops and diners, 
• posting updates on Facebook because I couldn't quantify how I was feeling and  thought that if I wasn't projecting awesomeness and perfection no one would want to know
• family time because I was too tired to give them any more of my physical time

But never once did I give in and go with the flow, each thing that was added to my schedule, list of tasks/priorities,  or obstacle (Sean's allergies and pending surgery) has filled me with fear.  I have taken on more and more and done less and less.  That's NOT how it's supposed to work.  Less work = Less Stress, right?
I reached the point in the past few weeks, when lying awake at night that I did something I thought I would never find myself doing... praying desparately to Mary.  I've said more Hail Mary's(and Our Father's) in the past few weeks than I have in my entire life.  And I firmly believe to the core of my being that Mary answered my prayers last Friday-- because it took me getting so physically ILL that I couldn't care for anyone else.  If I was a factory assembly line, we're talking complete shut down for repairs.  I was forced to Give In and relinquish command.  What happened next proved that giving in did not mean giving up.
My first instinct was to cancel the dinner plans and anything non-vital scheduled for the weekend, but my husband got out of bed, a lot earlier than he prefers, and took over. 
Of course, it took several people to replace me: 

• On Saturday My mom got my kids ready for their dance recital and took them to the recital location at the appropriate time; both my mom and MIL helped make salads and clean up after dinner.  
• On Sunday, my husband did laundry (washed, dried and folded) to prepare for the upcoming week. 
• On Monday morning, he dropped us off at my parents for the day. While my mom watched the kids, my dad took me to the  Dr. 
• On Tuesday, my parents took the kids again and left me to my own devices. 
• When  I felt worse again on Wednesday, my parents & husband rallied once more. 

Are you getting the picture yet?  I get sick and it takes 3 people working together to do my "job." And that's just the Mom job--- the paid job, that went to the wayside and I realized there was no way for me to feel guilty about it, I couldn't sit up at the computer and work.  My boss would just have to adjust (turns out, almost everyone I work with is at a conference this week, so my lack of feeding the process was not going to have a big impact!!!). 
It's clear to me now that I have to give in more... I have to bend and adjust and not be angry that life isn't fitting the "prime time/major network TV-perfect" image in  my head.  Life is not perfect or safe, but I have a great life and apparently an amazing support network.  Instead of feeling like I'm giving up (as in quitting), I need to give in to life and start living. 
Okay, this is all big talk for a small gal (well, I'm not small, but I have lost weight being sick!)... but I'm hoping you will all keep me honest and accepting of God's and my friend's/family's love with humility.  Help me give in to life and accept it for what it is... imperfectly wonderful. And remind me that self-deprication is not humility,  it's a nasty bad habit and I need to stop!

I will survive...

Well... after I reached the point in the day, yesterday, where I knew Natalia and Brian had left Michigan and were headed towards Africa... I felt a kind of relief.  Not that they were gone (NO WAY), but more that the good-bye-ing was over for now.  I'm again happy and excited for them and I'm trying to use that joyfulness to my own advantage.


I actually cleaned out my linen closet and bedroom yesterday.  Yes, there's much more that needs cleaning (as in basic maintenace) and way more that needs CLEANING (as in declutter/dejunking)... but it's a start.  I know have a little corner of peacefulness carved out. 

Also, Steve and I had a brief talk today and I've decided to relocate my "office."  When Steve was re-hired by ProQuest after the layoff at Kellogg and I was on maternity leave, he bought a fabulous desk set on clearance (it was the floor model) at a furniture store that was closing.  It's hardly ever used, it's covered in dust and piles of unfiled papers... so I've asked him to clean it up (this weekend!) and relocate my computer, printers, and file cabinet of work stuff-- so I won't be in the dark corner of the guest room any more.  I really should have an office space and some peaceful space in my home.  If I posted a photo of my current office space, it's just this hodge podge room... and if I posted Steve's office it would probably horrify you that a room can look like that!  I probably should post before and after shots... so you guys can all say-- wow, what a better work space.  Think of it as going from a cubicle to the corner office-- the rooms both have windows, but presently, my back is to the window and in the new space it will be off to the side.  Plus with the size of the desk in Steve's office (it will be a shared space), I'll actually have a desk top to lay my notes out on... instead of having things piled on the printer next to me because the desk top is soo small.  I'm looking foward to this... can you tell?

I also really felt the love yesterday... it was nice that all my Facebook buddies touched based and even a few people called.  I even appreciated the couple of people who nicely made no eye contact with me the first half of the week, because they knew I was trying to hide my tears.  I have to say, I did NOT appreciate the person who said, 'Why the hell would your sister move to Africa of all places..." because a) she doesn't know Natalia and  b) if you have to ask, you wouldn't understand the answer.  And it was (IMHO) rather insensitive to say so, just hours after my sister left.  In case anyone's wondering... the whole, if you can't say something nice, say something ineffective is a much better tact (as in "wow, that's really far..."  it's non-committal and kinda stupid to say... but it least it doesn't hurt my feelings and gives the impression that you might possibly understand that it sucks to have people so far away). 

Well, it's Friday Night, movie night... and I have a book to finish reading (I borrowed it from Sean's teacher and I really should return it before summer vacation starts!).

Oh, btw Sean's first school play was today and it was a-dor-a-ble! I took pics and will eventually get around to downloading off my camera-- hopefully after my office is relocated (this weekend-- yeah, like anything happens that fast around here!).

You were always on my mind...

So lately, I've been waking up at what I thought was 4 am... turns out it's more like 3 am... hmm could this be why I'm so tired?  Of course, like most moms, I go to bed with a list of things on my mind, wake up with another list in the morning.  The new twist is the waking up in the middle of the night with a new, sometimes relevant, issue on my mind.  Last night, it was... does Jackson Coffee have some kind of blended Lemonade drink, because Natalia wants to go there?  Seriously, this actually keeps me awake at night.

So tonight, I'm trying a new tactic... Blog it out.  Here's what's on my mind people.
June 3: Natalia  and Brian leave for Tanzania. Pray for their safe trip, safe arrival, safe EVERYTHING in TZ.  And a miraculous answer to being able to call when the mood strikes.
June 4:  Sean's class play... will he remember his lines... will he speak clearly? 
June 5:  Neighborhood garage sale-- should I pull my shit together and sell some stuff for extra money or screw it and read all day?
June 5: Kyle's birthday party-- can I drop my kids off at the neighbors house, because I don't think I feel like chatting with everyone.  I mean, I love Jenny and I totally want to hang out, but as much as I've sobbed this week, can I stand it.  And if one more person says, "You look good, have you lost weight?"  I may cry more.
June6:  Boy Scouts event-- okay, do I really have to remind Steve and Sean to go?
June 7:  Sean's field trip-- Steve's got it on his calendar to meet them, so I don't have to remember this too, do I?  (nice that the teacher is letting him chaperon once they get to Ann Arbor, so he can go and Sean can get his wish to have a parent go on a field trip fulfilled).
June 7:  No baseball-- Dance recital dress rehearsal.  Probably a late night-- try not to stress about the costumes and the make up... but I'm seriously worried that I can get Sammie's soft hair to do what it's supposed to do (Princess Leia style buns... wth?).
June 9: Baseball at night-- Okay, I'm responsible for dance, can I JUST let Steve take them and get a night off... not to do laundry or dust, just to take a nap for a few hours between school and bedtime?
June 10:  Field Day-- uhm, can i attend this without blowing off work too much and will my kids get eaten alive by mosquitoes?  Seriously, I'm so bailing on baking cookies... it's just not in me.  And hot dogs... ech, not today!
June 11:  Last day of school-- definitely have to attend the awards ceremony-- not that my kids are getting any or anything but it's just something I have to do... there goes work.
June 12:  Again no baseball... Dance recital at 2 pm.  MIL & SIL spending the night-- oh shit do I have time to work and clean the house somewhere in here?
June 14/16 & 19: No school, no VBS, no boy scout camp (sorry, kids, Mommy's DUN!), but we've committed to baseball and that's ALL we're doing.  Oh and we're responsible for juice and snack on the 19th!
June 24:  Sean's surgery... adenoids & tonsils, possible tubes.  I'm worried about the needles (he hates needles), I'm worried about the surgery, the anesthesia, the post-op recovery... oh and my favorite NURSE will be in TZ, but I'm hoping she'll consult via e-mail or something.  Steve's off and MIL is watching Sammie for the day.  My parents will be in VA and bringing the cousins up for  a visit.
Theoretically, here's where I breathe a sigh of relief, but as mentioned, the cousins are coming for a visit and my Mom likes to pack in a lot of FUN and bonding, instead of just chillaxing.  So we'll see how that works out with Sean recovering, Sammie going insane from boredom, Steve home and me possibly taking a nap in here somewhere.... all while working from home and maintaining (exceeding?) my minimum work hours and having work coming (which it ebbs and flows without my ability to control it).
For my sanity's sake, I'm not even going into the big sis & hubbie  coming for the fourth, Steve's fishing trip (over my birthday weekend), the camping trip/family reunion, Sean's birthday, our anniversary... all coming up in July. Well, that's the highlights of July I guess.

I know, I know... all moms are busy... I just feel like a hamster on a wheel right now... only theoretically, the hamster is running and managing the speed of the wheel themselves.  Isn't it all supposed to slow DOWN in the summer?  Where are those lazy days?  Oh and at what point did I sneak in a call to my gal pals just to chat about their lives without sounding like a stressed out lunatic?

Oh, and note to self, if Sammie dances in the fall-- I'm so not having classes on Monday EVER again... it's just too much at the beginning of the week. [Dear Mrs. Ladwig, please do me the kind honor of scheduling an Intro Ballet class at 4 pm on Thursdays and reserve a spot for Sammie... better yet, make it 4:30! PS, I wish i could keep my little boy dancing, but he's done for now... maybe we can convince him to come back in a few years for football or baseball conditioning... any chance you'll consider Sports Conditioning for Athletes?  He might do it if wasn't called "ballet." I know, I know... silly question! PPS... have I told  you lately, even though I'm in pre-recital panic, that I love Academy of the Arts! Love, (not) the only Nut ]