The Sun is Shining... and I want a Nap

I been reflecting a lot this week on what it is I want out of life.  I often feel like, I charged at life as a teenager and hit my "goals" by 23 and since then... I've just been hanging out and winging it.  Not really the best way to live if you want to feel ALIVE and like you're out there doing something. Only I can't seem to figure out what it is that I feel like doing so I can get passionate and behind it.  SO I thought, just for kicks and giggles, I'd just make a list of things I do and can do okay-- but don't necessarily feel a lot of passion about and see if anything jumps out.

• sewing-- It's fun to make something and accomplish a project... I'm just a little weary of the lack of instant gratification and my inability to sometimes understand the directions (I'm constantly doing dumb things like sewing the wrong parts together or cutting the front of a dress right down the middle).  The question is, do I drop this hobby and be content knowing that if need be I can hem a pair of pants or make a skirt? 
• beading-- I really enjoyed making the custom jewelry for my little sister's wedding last year and I LOVE how when I wear any of it, I feel automatically connected to her and to the happiness that was abundant at her wedding(s).  I have so many beads I now feel overwhelmed by them.  And soo many patterns and ideas about things, that I can't seem to motivate myself to make something. It seems they no longer bring me joy.  
• writing... I'm no pulitzer prize winner, but I always wanted to write a book and I keep wondering, what will happen if I do write a book.  So maybe I should well, write a book... I know my mom would buy a copy (and then probably mock me because that's how we show affection).
• full-time momming-- I love my kids, I like being around them, but working from home and being a mom is really rough, I don't feel like I have the ability to focus on what is important.  Right now, I've got breakfast dishes in the sink because I haven't had time to clean up-- I need to work while the kids are gone... When they're home and I"m not working, I feel like they are in the way of me getting all the stuff done that should have gotten done hours ago, but I was working.  
• Full-time working, part time momming-- well I have no idea how this would work out, but thousands of people do it, so I should be ABLE to do it.  What if I'm actually happier not at home with the kids... does that make me a horrible person?

So uhm, I don't feel like I've answered any questions that I have about my life.  I could blame Hannah (see the April 9 posting)... because I followed her Day 3 instructions and bought a watch that chimes every hour.  Now I'm spending my day, smiling at the start of an hour to remind myself to be happy and joyful... yet today, every time it's chimed all I keep thinking is "Smile, Asshole, you're not getting anywhere"  Is today just one of those hiccup kind of days where nothings going wrong, you just feel inconvenienced?  Big Sigh!

I guess, I'm not really feeling upbeat.  Maybe it's the lack of sleep-- now that Sean's staying in his room (but coming down nearly naked each morning, which tells me he's waking up at night and pulling his PJs off), Sammie has decided to come down each night.  Only Sammie doesn't just crawl into bed with you... that would be too simple.  She's "Fancy Sammie" or perhaps in her last life she was a burro.  She comes down with stuffed animals, blankets, pillows and brings them all into the bed with her.  Steve has taken to shoving her and her stuff at me.  Yes, that's really nice (actually it's disturbing because I can tell he's really mad when he does it).  And her teeny little elbows are soo POINTY.  And I just want to sleep!!!