Signs of the Apocalypse... probably not!

I'm trying not to be frustrated and pessimistic right now...
I think I'm failing miserably.

I tried to go 3 weeks between B12 shots... and the results aren't so fantastic. You see, I feel cruddy... my calf muscles hurt, my stomach feels like I just got off a roller coaster, my appetite is gone overnight.... Yes, I went to the Dr and they are doing bloodwork again.  Here's hoping it shows something consistent... because I'm confused.  I don't want to feel crummy... and there's another kink in the works (and this may be considered TMI so uh, sorry).  I've discovered I start horrendous nightsweats 3 days before, during and I dunno how long after my period.  This could be early menopause or it could be related to the B12. 

I'm also feeling a little suspicious... like my NP had some insightful comment... she asked how my leg issues were.  Without giving a full medical history... in Dec of 2009, I was put on neurontin by a neurologist because of restless leg like sypmtoms in  both legs, with worse symptoms in my left leg.  My NP commented that you can have neuropathy in your extremities as part of B12 deficiency.  Okay, so then WHAT!  WAIT!  Stop the presses... if my leg pain/neuropathy symptoms were related to B12 deficiency, then I've had issues since Dec of 2009, not June of 2010.  Uhm... hello, uh, is there a customer service rep for this body of mine that I can talk to and register a complaint? 

And now the worry has begun, because stupidly, I googled (okay, I binged-- go ahead and laugh Steve)... b12 deficiency, night sweats and neuropathy.  Okay, so I've WebMD confirmed that B12 and neuropathy can be linked... but B12 and nightsweats can be linked... if you have too much B12.  Whaaat?  So which is it... too much or too little because I feel like I did when we discovered it was too little but I'm sweating at night like it's too much. Yea, but the search results also revealed that I could have Lupus too.  That's a new one to the mix... and I'm realizing they took 3 vials of blood... I hate the blood draw so much (I hate hate hate needles) that I usually don't look.  And if I do look the sight of blood in a vial does not make me feel better.  I mean... it's supposed to be in me not sitting on a table.  WebMD, however, confirms there is no blood test for lupus, which means my NP is not testing me for lupus, right?!  OMG, I'm insane... well... I feel insane.

I am also feeling frustrated because I feel like I should schedule my annual femail "oil change" early... but the thought of bringing in ONE MORE DR into the loop is just... insane... I'm seriously beginning to feel like I have Munchhausen by Proxy, without the proxy and without the desire for attention.

Maybe I should chill... have a cuppa tea... read a book and wait for the B12 results call to come tomorrow and go from there.  Maybe, I should not talk to my mother before I go to the Dr's office.  Maybe I have to remember that today is today and not the end of the world.  And if it were the end of the world, I don't think I'd have a clue until suddenly we were all gone.  I'm pretty sure God whispers and mumbles to me (and I'm probably not really paying attention and he doesn't like to repeat himself)... but he does not send me Vegas style signs of what's to come. I could really use a Vegas Style sign of what's going on, though.

Be the building, Alex, be the building...

Dream World

I'm sittting on the couch, snuggled under a blanket with my little princess... technically, we're watching a Charlie's Angels marathon.  But I thought I'd multi-task and blog at the same time.

Sammie's being super sweet today.  Right now as I'm typing, Sammie's patting my back and telling me, "It's okay baby, let the burpies out" (Huh?)  But I have to be honest... the sweet little girl drives me nutty at bed time.  When she gets tired, she gets so silly, squirrelly and squirmy.  And since she spent the first 4 years of her life not sleeping at night... you can imagine that when she pulls the normal 6 year old bedtime nutball routine, I get a little nervous.

Last night, she was bouncing all over her bed and just would not settle down, I started thinking that I should be enjoying these moments.  I mean that's what old people tell me in the grocery store..."Enjoy it, they'll be grown up before you know it" or "You'll be missing them someday."  I had a momentary twinge of nursing memories... this was so much easier when I could plop into the rocker and placate her with some fresh jus de boobie.  She'd just fall asleep...nestled next to me, but I can't say, I really miss nursing at all.  I mean I'm not sorry I did it, I'm glad I did it (for 2 1/2 years!), but I'm happy that it's behind me.

Earlier today, I was thinking... what do I need to change about our bedtime routine, so that Sammie is more calm and settled down when we get to the lights out point.  For the record, bedtime routine is about 1 hour long involving baths after dinner, some family time, and individual snuggles with Mom and Dad up in their rooms. It's complex... but it completely works for Sean.  Considering also, that most days, Steve is just rolling into the garage at bath time, it's our time with Steve in the evening.  The more I think about it... our evening routine is pretty solid... it's just Sammie... she's part squirrel, part Tasmanian Devil... and I'm in a dream world to think that I could mix up anything that would work very long.

I came to this conclusion when I was cleaning out some drawers in the kitchen.  I found a little index card where I'd written down on of my previous solutions, just in case it worked long term.  I'm a little anal, in case you hadn't noticed.  Anyway, thought I'd share it... since it did work for about 6 months... then it turned into a "tell me more Mama!" fiasco.  I'm no poet, but it brought a smile to my face remembering when this worked.

Blast Off to Dream World...

10...9...8...7...6...5...4...3...2...1
Blast off... [quiet]
Past the moon, and past the stars
Out past Jupiter and out past Mars.
we're blasting off to Dream World.

Where Shall We Go?
Ahhh... I see it... the _________________ planet. [insert planet name like "Sparkly Pink Dance Planet"]
And when we land, they'll greet us.
"Hello ______________"
and give us _____________________ ["big hugs" "cookies" "princess wands"... you get the idea]
Then we'll ______________________ ["dance all night" "eat popcorn and drink rootbeer"]
And when we've had enough fun,
we'll climb back aboard our rocket ship and come home
Tomorrow, we'll  be happy and rested
and we'll __________________ [insert tomorrow's plans].
Close your eyes and wait for your dream.  Good Night.

Living the Good Life

Ahh... the best laid plans of mice and men... and I'm a woman, so you can imagine my plans were grandiose for my 10 days off... and well, I accomplished absolutely none of it.

I am however completely relaxed and at ease.  I mean, yes, we cleaned the house, yes we celebrated Christmas, yes we celebrated New Year's Eve (lamely, I'll add)... but overall, we just did whatever our whims inspired us to do:

•   Sean has played on his DS, the computer, the XBox, the Wii, and the new Kinect that Santa brought.  
• Sammie has made a mess in every room, whined about having to clean it up, made crafts, played with her American Girl doll and all the new accessories for it that Santa brought.  
• Steve slept in, fiddled on the computer, made a shelf, installed there home theater system, uninstalled it, re-installed it, and is presently researching a mysterious static source that's cause the whole system to randomly shut off (theories abound).  
• I have watched a lot of mindless TV (CSI marathon, NCIS marathon, Bones mini-marathon, Charlie's Angels marathon, T J Hooker marathon [right about here is where I realized I may have a TV addiction], played computer games (mostly hidden object, but have become obsessed with expert level scores on Roads of Rome, a time management game), cleaned out the pantry, did piles and piles of laundry [that's why I was sitting around watching TV-- and Sammie was totally into Charlie's Angels with me!].

To be honest, I'm totally cool with what I've not done.  Two years ago, my mother in law treated us to a trip to Key West as our Christmas present... and on that trip, I did whatever my heart desired, which was pretty much nothing besides floating in the pool, eating key lime pie, and taking daily naps.  I was completely relaxed when we got home, which my mind and body kept for about 6 weeks until reality hit.  But the last 10 days have given me a bit of an epiphany (little Catholic humor there since today is the feast of Epiphany)... well, perhaps epiphany is a little strong .  I've really just connected the dots.  Apparently, I function best in a low stress environment.  Well DUH... I know, but my point is, I think I finally realized exactly what that means for me, which has kind of led to my 2011 prescription for the Good Life (some might call them resolutions, but I'm not resolving to do anything, rather noting what conditions my body and mind function best in... a low stress environment).

1. keeping the house picked up and out of CHAOS... for me this means going back to FlyLady basics.
2. meal planning, grocery planning and cooking at home. It tastes better and brings us all to the table.  I've even been using my Leann Ely cookbooks.
3. spending time with the family in completely unstructured ways, which may mean saying no to some invites.
4.  worry less about what people think about me.  Seriously... I stress myself out  wondering if I said the wrong thing (I probably did), if my joke was inappropriate (let's face it, that's pretty much how I roll), and whether people love me.  This is not an APB begging for "we love you Alex" messages... though it's great if you do... I'm just not going to worry about it if you don't.  I've got a running list in my head of gentle reminders to ignore, let go, and move on.  And when I say move on... I mean, recognize what is not worth my time and not beat myself up over it.  It is not my job to please the world any more than it is anyone else's job.
5. be the building... 2 years ago, I attended a women's retreat and the AMAZINGLY insightful Paulie Heath spoke about how God is the architect and we are the buildings.  Imagine how a building must feel (if, of course, it was sentient) to be under renovation and not get to see the blue prints.  Well, I am the building... I accept that I am under rennovation and I am open to the changes the architect has planned for me.  My structure is sound and I am ready to be improved, embellished and built to last a life time. Knock down those walls, rewire the power, and make me a wide open space to be used for good!
6. take the time to do what entertains me... whether it's a quiet bubble bath, reading a book, or a crime show marathon.   I am not required to be serious all the time (yea, I know, the idea of me being serious is a bit ludicrous... perhaps, I should say on task and intent).

Okay, that said... let the Good Life begin... or should I say, continue!

Happy New Year... let's make 2011 one we can all say was a great year.

Happy Festivus 2010!

Happy Festivus everyone!

Today has been an absolute blast and since I figure I won't have time to blog in the next 2 days, here's a wrap up of how our Festivus celebration turned out.

We started the day with disappointment, which seemed kind of appropriate-- you see no one really wanted to clean the house. But to me, getting the house cleaned up before Christmas was pretty much my main goal here and in some ways, linking it to Festivus made it fun for me.  Mostly because I knew what was in store for everyone else this evening.

The kitchen table was piled with stuff and the great room looked like demolition Sammie had gone through. And demolition Sammie had gone through (she's my loveable little Tasmanian Devil!).

At 9:45 am, we all met in the livingroom for a "family meeting" to outline the scope of our cleaning project.  My goal was to get things cleaned up room by room and I posted Post-It notes with tasks for each room on the door or near the light switches (for rooms without doors). The kids started claiming tasks and let me know by putting the post-it's on their chests.

But I quickly realized, the house was in such a state of disaster, that we would need to start with grabbing trash and belongings first.  So each person got a plastic grocery bag to collect trash in and a paper bag with their name on it, to stash their misplaced belongings: those things that didn't belong whatever location they were found.

My little shortcut finder, Sammie, grabbed her bag and started going from room to room.  My little literalist, Sean, began counting items and arguing how many items he had to pick up.  Yes, instantly Sean was pushing back and pushing my buttons.  Steve, was unfortunately busy trying to set up the entertainment center... so he missed the mouthing off.  I was trying to ignore the behavior rather than deal with it.  I was picking my battle and the battle of the day was I wanted a clean house.  To make my long story shorter... Sean and I had to be separated and in the afternoon the kids had to go play outside or at a friend's house so we could get things done.

Around 5:00, I realized the dishwasher was not cleaning well, which meant, instead of watching the Seinfeld episode, "The Strike," Steve was on his hands and knees repairing the dishwasher.  I'd post a picture, but he was emulating a plumber and it's not quite all it's "cracked" up to be.  So I rearranged our party schedule and we decorated the Festivus cake  instead.

Again, Sean took off in a huff when I got upset with him for jamming the M&M decorations into the cake (up to his knuckle)... don't know why he couldn't understand that no one would want to eat a cake that he stuck his finger in.  And I'd like to point out... those are Easter M&M's in the cake... they have bunny ears on them!  How very Festivus of us!

After waiting, patiently, for Steve to finish fixing the dishwasher (which btw, he did!! LOVE HIM)... we settled down to watch Seinfeld. Sammie spent the first 5 minutes inquiring, "I thought this was about Festivus?"  To which I had to explain that this wasn't a documentary but if she waited all would be explained.

As soon as the airing of grievances was explained... Sean was SOLD on Festivus.  In fact, when I  told him after the show was over to wash his hands and I witnessed a Festivus Miracle... clean hands:

We sat down to dinner of crockpot Picadillo and Basmati rice... the kids (as a treat) each got to drink soda at dinner.  And in homage to the dishes not being clean yet and it being Festivus... I went to paper plates for dinner. 

Sean happily volunteered to air his grievances first, then Sammie... Steve had the idiocy to declare he had no grievances (I admit, I'd had half an alcoholic beverage, which for me is like 4 drinks for a regular person... I shouted: BULLSH*T!).  He finally shouted over the kids, I'm tired of you not listening.


I aired my grievances as well, but I have to admit... there are no pictures of me tonight.  I decided not to get all festive and I'm wearing my comfies (MukLuks, yoga pants and one of Steve's old T-shirts... I don't look so great!).

Sean was, in a word, hilarious during dinner.... he was trash talking about the wrestling match with Steve.  He actually said, "You're going down like there's no tomorrow."  This kid was seriously GEEKED about wrestling his Daddy... and the next thing I knew, Sammie was threatening Steve too.  I started to get a little worried, because they were getting quite worked up.  As soon as dinner was done, I threw away the dishes and the kids ran to the living room to practice wrestling.  Sean insisted he needed to take his shirt off and be barefoot so he could stand his ground.  I'm wondering a little if he gets up late at night and watches WWE or something.

Sean was wailing on and rolling around with those pillows for a good 15 minutes... Steve let him work off some aggression in hopes that he wouldn't get hurt.  Sammie grew tired of the wrestling practice and, predictably, resorted to pole dancing.

Well, she was really dancing with the pole (and I'd like to point out to my friend, Karen, that it's planted in a Market Day Popcorn Chicken box).
We decided to go from youngest to oldest when wrestling Steve and he kindly let all of us individually wrestle and pin him.

Sammie took a running start and attacked him from behind.

 

Sean went at him with this crazy boxing stance.  

I admit, I pretended I needed a drink of water and sneak attacked him from behind, unfortunately, he locked his elbows and refused to collapse.  Lucky for me, the kids jumped on me and hurt me, so when he took pity on me, I swiped him from the side... he went down on his side and wouldn't roll onto his back.  I also admit to biting him to get him to roll over so I could pin him (shhh... the kids don't know that).  I never said I'd wrestle fairly in the Feats of Strength.  And I'll probably blame the daquiri tomorrow.

We declared Festivus Festivities at and end... mostly to get the pole out of the livingroom so no one ended up impaled.  We popped the ORIGINAL Tron movie (special edition, no less) into the DVD player and we're all fascinated by "Innovative CGI" and the deliciousness of store bought cake!

And when asked if we should do this again, Sean said, "Ohh You Betchya!"

Festivus is coming...

My house is a mess... my hair is in a pony tail... I'm looking pretty scrubby.

That's okay... because I'm OFFICIALLY on vacation as of right now... I'm heading off to my weekly stress-relieving Dr appt in a bit... and then off to Jackson ONLY private member's only spa.  Otherwise known as... my parent's GIANT bathroom (I swear I'd post a picture but my mother would be appalled to have her bathroom online). 

I'm going to take another one of my BIG, LONG, UNINTERRUPTED bubble baths... I don't care if you call... I'm  not answering. 

All of this is in preparation for... no not Christmas... but FESTIVUS.  I'm off for a few hours of silent contemplation in prepartion for tomorrow night's airing of grievances. 

Now, it may seem a little silly to you that a nice girl like me would be getting into Festivus... but we've had a LOT of crummy moods swimming around this house (along with the mess).  I thought it might be a good idea to get out all the grumpies... no gifts, nothing special, just an airing of grievances, a crappy store bought cake (though this girl LOVES the Pepperidge Farm chocolate layer cake), and I am looking forward to wrestling my husband.

Okay, so that probably sounds inappropriate, but those who were around 19 years ago know that Steve and I did not start this relationship on a normal path.  Nope, I don't do anything normal anyway... we started with this silly, childish, kick, slapping, knocking over (a bit like puppies playing) path... how we ever ended up in a real relationship is quite unfathomable to me.  In some ways, wrestling him is like reliving my youth or our youth I should say. And I'm damn confident that I will pin his sorry ass to the floor and bring Festivus to an end.  Sorry big guy, but you know I fight dirty. 

Anyway... tomorrow is going to totally be uneventful... we're cleaning the house... we're putting up the Festivus pole. [Note: Steve found an old, black, bent-up ALUMINUM broom handle in the garage... instant Festivus Pole]  I don't want to give too much away... but just so we're clear... nobody's invited... well okay, I did just invite my sister-in-law via text.  You can see how important this is to me... I don't give a shit and that my friends is what Festivus is really about.

So if you've had it and are dreading Friday and Saturday (which by the way I'm not, I just don't want to carry over all the crappy attitudes into CHRISTmas and the New Year)... I invite you to join me with your OWN Festivus celebration.  Let me know how it goes... I promise to blog how mine it goes.

Overachievers... UNTIE!

Yes, I know that's a "typo"-- maybe if you keep reading you'll realize why.

Good news FIRST... the Dr's office called and my B12 level is up and I can back down to 2 to 3 weeks on my injections.  This is GREAT news... means my stuff is working. 

I'm fighting off a cold and if there were any obvious signs that I'm back to my "OLD" self again... here it is...

Right Now:

• tonight's dinner (Beef Stew) is in the crockpot and an apple pie is chilling right next to the crockpot
• tomorrow night's dinner is marinating/defrosting in the fridge
• Saturday night's dinner is also defrosting in the fridge [NOTE: Steve is in charge Friday night's dinner or that would probably be in some state of preparation]
• My sheets are in the dryer, my towels are in the wash
• I've taken part in a conference call for work
• I've skyped with my little sister while she waited for her husband to arrive at the restaurant (in Tanzania) while I put away my laundry
• I've cleaned the kitchen
• gone grocery shopping
• taken my daughter to school (buh bye!), and
• put in my day's work for the offfice

A month ago, this would have been 3 days worth of work...  and I'm right now I'm sick.  I'm not even a quarter of the way done with all the things I want and feel and can do today... including playing a game with my kids afterschool.  I have to admit... I've been multi-tasking like a maniac today...  and I am pretty sure I'm running a low-grade fever. 

I'm somehow wired to do more than is reasonable, or expected, when I feel sick... like I need to go into overdrive to compensate for feeling cruddy and grumpy.  I'm sure by 5 pm tonight, I'll be feeling wiped out... achy and grumpy times 10.  I'm sure I'll feel as though I've earned it with all my overachieving. I'm sure Steve will want to plant my face in the snow (right after he eats a big bowl of beef stew).

Right about now is when I need to untie myself from the bonds of overachieving.... (hence "Overachievers UNTIE)... I definitely need to slow down and smell the coffee (which I totally would if I could breath through my nose right now!). 

Dirty Dishes

Today feels like a "dirty dishes" kind of day.  And one might wonder what does a dirty dishes kind of day feel like?

 Perhaps the image will help....

This is the mess that greeted me this morning.  Last night, I was too lazy to clean out, reload and run the dishwasher. No one took out the trash or cleaned up their breakfast dishes. Of course, where they would have put said breakfast dishes is beyond me. 
Any "normal" wife/mother would have done these things.  If not last night, then first thing this morning.  Well, I've never claimed to be normal and I work from home.  So like everyone else, I (after snapping a photo), I walked right past the mess and into my office. 

Upon opening my e-mail (my contractor's account to my place of employment expired and was inaccessible for almost 48 hours), I was greeted with an e-mail that looked a bit like my counter top. It should have been an easy fix, but since we just rolled out a new process yesterday, I needed to do some cleaning up before I could move forward.

I'm just going to be upfront about it... I don't feel like cleaning my own kitchen up... why would I want to deal with a mess at work.  [Oh and in case no one filled you in on my personal philosophy... my family comes first and the kitchen is the most important place to have clean] So you gotta figure, if I've allowed it to go to "hit by a tornado" look over night... I'm completely lacking in all motivation!

To top things off, I called to reconfirm my lunch plans with a friend and since she was feeling equally "Blah" about it, we rescheduled for next week.  A day perhaps when we would not sit and look at each other wondering why we left the cozy comforts of our home.  Unfortunately, my mom caught wind that we were meeting up at the mall and asked me to pick up a book for her.  Alas, I think I may have to head out there anyway.

So here I sit, debating... now that my lunch meet up with at Mommy-friend was cancelled... with the extra time on my hands do I:

• blog?
• clean up the kitchen?
• head to the mall anyway?
• all of the above?

To be honest, my choice will probably be "all of the above."  Not because I feel particularly motivated about anything, but rather because, I know I'll be a basket case coming home at 5:30 after Sean's speech therapy and walk in to be greeted by the visual explosion that is my messy kitchen.  I feel obligated to pick up that book for my mom (which means at some point, I also have to go to her house and drop it off...). The chilly air outside and the dusting of snow (probably hiding some ice) is not helping matters at all.

While I've taken the time to blog, the fairies have not shown up to clean the kitchen... better roll up my sleeves and take care of business.