A brief vacation?

Can it really be a month since I last had something of great value (ha ha) to say?  Well, lately I've had a lot to say and it mostly involved a lot of tears.  Consequently, I've been keeping to myself a lot more.

Yep... tears... I haven't cried this much since... I don't know. Life has been pretty busy and the underlying theme to everything since Sean's First Communion has been... Natalia and Brian are really going to Tanzania.  I have to admit as they went down the  path to make the move to Tanzania happen, I was a very vocal supporter.  I mean, in reality, how many people can claim their sister & brother in law are out there making the world better? So I was all for it... until the reality of Natalia being so far away hit me like a ton of bricks. 

Maybe I'm pre-panicking because when she left for the Peace Corps almost 8 years ago, I'd just had Sean.  [I mean Natalia was there-- in the delivery room-- with me and was actually the first person to hold Sean.  I (terrible mom that I am) was more interested in having a hamburger and vanilla milkshake prior to bonding.  I'm pretty sure that's screwed up my relationship with Sean for life, but then again, everyone needs to have a reason to go to therapy, right?].  After she left, I really spiraled into a nasty bout of postpartum depression.  In fact, when I found out I was pregnant with Sammie I begged Natalia to come home early, so she could be there again.  The rational side of my brain (which is much smaller than the hyper-emotional side) can see that Natalia leaving had nothing to do with my postpartum depression... but the emotional side of me seems to have linked Natalia's proximity to me to my well-being.  I know, it's simply ridiculous.

However, as my rational side attempts to explain this to the emotional side, it's not going so well.   I know I am absolutely going to miss her like crazy.  My (bff) Brigette pointed out that Natalia is "our rock."  I know that's a lot of pressure to put on her but in many ways, Natalia is just the person I go to when I need to make sense of things or have some sense talked into me.  I aspire to be as loving and giving as she is and she truly inspires me to be a better self.  Can she do this from Africa?  Absolutely, but it will be a lot harder... and well, I'm just lazy, I guess.  I want it all to be easier.

In addition to being very sad about Natalia leaving, I haven't been feeling that great about a lot of other things.  I've been worried about things that are largely beyond my control...and being the control freak I am, that's very very disorienting.  It's lead to me not sleeping well and not feeling so great when I am awake... but I'm a mom and  I've got my family to take care of, so I just push ahead.  I feel like a slug and the house needs a good 3 day long top to bottom cleaning... and I just don't see it happening.  I should just let go and focus on what I can influence... but as (bff) Brigette says, "you've got way too much Tante Tiina in you" (Tante Tiina would be my mom-- but she calls her Tante-- which is Aunt in German).  Yes, I am cursed with my mom's need to be in charge and in control at all times... unlike my mom, though, I can't always seem to pull it together.  In fact, comparatively, I never pull it together quite like my mom... but I sure do a good job faking that it's all pulled together. 

On another note, with all the family excitement of Natalia leaving, it has definitely brought Celianna and I closer.  She's always been my sister, but she hasn't always been my friend and confidant... now she's more and more in that role and it feels right for her to be there.  It's a little odd, because in some ways, after all we've been through over the past 10 years in our own lives, it's like discovering a long-lost sister. 

So, as we enter this holiday weekend, which normally I enjoy having a day to thank my Dad for his service to our country... I'm a bit sad and trying to focus on the idea of "if she doesn't go away, I won't be so happy to have her return" concept.  Now it's time to go put on my big girl panties and stop focusing on the absence of my sister and more on the fact that she'll just be a little further away and I'll have to do math before I pick up the phone and call her!

Happy Memorial Day everyone... stay safe and remember those who gave up their lives so we could continue to live in the land of the Free!